Socially Mundane

Yes we actually do save a truckload of money by not having paper towels in the rest room. And allowing the really cheap soap to go empty for a day or two before refilling it saves us a lot also. Besides, we save money with the hair-dryer we call hand-dryer even though it might have someone’s nasty bio-goo smeared onto the vents spitting into your hands (and you don’t even notice it) doesn’t mean it’s not clean. Besides, you’ll gain fresh new filthy nasty germs as soon as you grab the door handle to exit the rest-room. By totally wasting your time by actually really making an effort to stay healthy by washing your hands and suffering a painfully slow hand-drying process, you feel time has been wasted, which makes you in more hurry, thus more likely to not notice how we will abuse you over the next thirty minutes!

The law of the fast-food restaurant business is clear whether you understand it or not: I am not listening to you. I am a lethargic, empty-headed robot cashier. It doesn’t matter what you order, I am not listening to you. If you do not place your order phrased a specific way, I will get it wrong and I won’t care. I work on repetition and if it’s not right, everything goes haywire.

I am trained by repetition to listen only for certain keywords such as “number-one combo”. Everything else you spittle out of your mouth goes off into la-la-land. I am not listening. In fact, I will even interrupt you rudely in the middle of your placing an order because I care only about three things:

1. Which combo, dimwit?
2. Which softdrink, bonehead?
3. Here or to-go, numbskull?

It would be heaven to me if you just walked-up and said:

Number 3, Coke, To-go

…then just shut your mouth and throw a ten dollar bill at me, then without my directing you to do so, just walked-off to go stand with the rest of the herd.

If you actually have the guts to say the entire word “combination” or give the actual name of the sandwich, my mind will overload and freak-out. I will not know what to do… I will have to get my bearings and regroup, I will have to ask you to repeat your order several times until it is phrased properly. No matter how many times you mention whether it is take-out or eat-in I still will ask you if it’s “for here or to-go” just before I ring-up the total over-price on the register. It is all my feeble little mind can handle! You know: pressing buttons based on key-word phrases. Else, you will get the wrong stuff.

No! I cannot and will not count your change back to you, that’s too complicated a task and even though it really doesn’t include any math whatsoever, I simply am too under-educated and careless to even know how. I’ll just give you what the cash-register says to give you, and I still might get it wrong. I’m also way too damned lazy to actually hand you loose change before I give you any bills because I have discovered the way easiest for me, screw you. It is much easier for me to dump loose change onto the bills then dump the bills into your hand carelessly. If change spills all over the floor (or the ground in the case of drive-thru (See? We are too lazy to even spell correctly)) then too bad. You pick it up or leave it, we don’t care, it’s not our money lost.

I don’t care that you have not received the product you paid for, I have your money in my register and I’m not giving it back. Now shut-the-feck-up and go stand over there with that gaggle of other brain-dead, lifeless zombie-sheep and wait for the food you paid for with zero complaint. Can’t you understand you mean nothing to us and only your money does? We have your money, now you can get the hell out for all we care.

“NEXT!”

Hey, are you still standing here? Get away and make room for this other imbecile sheep waiting to give me their money. You’re in the way. It is universal fast-food-restaurant law that we will take-in as much money as we possibly can in an hour even if it means pushing you through like cattle to the slaughter. We are really just selling you cud to chew are we not? Your comfort be damned.

Yes, that is absolutely correct. We do address you as a number and not a person. That is all you are to us. You see, when we whisper - oh, and we do whisper so it forces a clusterfeck in close as you wait forever for that which you actually are stupid enough t over-pay for (you absolutely must see how stupid you all look from a distance) - when we whisper ”Customer 106!” - it’s really code-speak. “Customer 106” means you are the one hundred sixth idiot to actually pay for the crap we’re serving (have you actually paid any attention to what this stuff tastes like!?) - and it also means it’s the one hundred sixth $10 bill we’ve made in the last hour. And you just stand there and take it. Because you are dumb-dumb like that. 

Why are you upset that we charged you an outrageous fee for the non-ketchup 6-month-old “sauce” you requested? What do you mean it’s illegal that the cashier didn’t tell you it’s an extra charge and that the charge does not appear on our menu? What do we care? We already have your money and you’re not going to whine about it. See? We make an extra bazillion bucks every day because of dimwit sheep like you. Yes, as a matter of fact ketchup is the only “sauce” we allow you to have with your french-fries. We don’t care if you don’t eat ketchup. Eat the fries dry, then. Dipwad.

Yes, yes, we know that 98% of everyone who comes here never even thinks to wash their hands and of those that do, 99.85% of them are really just bullshitting because no one can wash their hands in 4.327 seconds under cold water without any soap. However, we assure you that all the disgusting crud the patrons before you had on their hands and under thier fingernails after digging into their noses, ears and asses that happens to flake-off into those open-air soft drink and ketchup dispenser contraptions will only make your immune system stronger.

So-what if there is no place to sit because we are ram-rodding dimwit human sheep like you through our cash-registers as fast as we possibly can, which also doesn’t give anyone in front of you any time to actually finish eating the paltry serving sizes we dish-up. Shut-up and stand there like a lethargic imbecile. We already know you won’t bother complaining. And even though the food we are serving you is barely luke-warm because we are cooking it faster over lower heat than ever before, you’ll just think it was your standing and waiting for a place to actually sit down was the cause of it all.

Of course we have changed our recipes. Not only do we use really cheap beef (yes, it really was a quarter pound, it’s just that 50% of it was fat that melted away). After all, our profits are more important. Our real customers are the shareholders, not you, dimwit. Thus to boost profit we are putting less condiments on our smaller-portion sandwiches. We also now cook at lower temperatures to save electricity and pulling the meat and fries and other cooked stuff from the cooking much sooner… oh, don’t worry. They are just this side of dangerously raw but legally-speaking: “cooked”. Trust us, we have done government studies.

We also like to ask if you want cheese on your cheeseburger because we know you are so used to paying that extra $.75 for a single slice of cheese that costs us $0.005 that you’ll even likely say “no”, even though it comes with it and you’re still paying for it. See? We just got you to pay for something and voluntarily decline it and yet still allow us to keep your money. Boom, win!

The best part about not actually serving you by bringing your food to your table (that you actually already paid for a half-hour ago) is that you actually think you are expected to clean-up after yourself! We make you feel guilty about leaving your trash and tray at your table when you leave (which we really want you to do post-haste the instant we throw your food at you) - it really saves us a lot of money because it takes only seconds to wipe the table with filthy, stinky, nasty five-day-old funk-water and dark-gray rags after you get up. Makes the next idiot actually think it’s clean. Boom, win!

Now please, it really is okay if the door hits you on the ass on your way out. In fact, it might even speed-up the process. Now go get lost until you have another $10 to throw at us for the privilege of being abused.

Because your stupid enough to come back next week.